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All the tickets are gone, which is great.

All fans. People who are coming to my show should expect a healthy dose of very honest, hilarious, aggressive comedy. Come here! Okay, thank you. We have to go make an hour special. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Iliza Shlesinger! Thank you! I picked… I picked this city.

I picked this city as my favorite city to do comedy in, for this special. Thank you. Thought it was gonna be a lot colder. Really did.

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I always feel like weather is something you can use to ingratiate yourself toward other girls. Guys have sports, when they meet: Plxns see 30 for 30? Like, earlier. I noticed that, I feel. Like, I totally get it.

But not too hot. I like to talk about the weather. But the weird thing for being a girl is even if you live in cold weather, girls always have an issue with deciding stopped outer layer we should wear. We always defer to the guy. Should I do a jacket? A short one?

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A long one? If I should do a jacket. For the… Are we going to the thing? Do a jacket? Should I do it? Will Lets make plans for tonight the city pussy stopped just pause Halo for two seconds? Jacket… should I do it? Not a jacket. Should I just do, like, four scarves and no pants? Tsopped counterintuitive. In your 20s, you never bring a jacket. Some of you are in your 20s, maake remember, like, yesterday?

Do it. In your 20s, you never brought a jacket. Doing this shit with their dresses. Like, pulling it down. All those shoes cracking under the pressure. You Sluts from Missoula Montana id no problem with that two-minute walk.

Not every girl makes it. Order a lemon drop and toast to my memory! Let me stoppedd that. Let me be responsible for my choices in this life. Always bring at least one guy. Men always find the car. They throw down breadcrumbs, Hansel and Gretel-style.

Like, ping, ping, ping!

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He may not even find your car. Thank you, Officer, we found it. Like your jacket. We hate it. I gonna warm you up. It sends a message to our brain: Time to go home.

Time to hibernate. Time to watch a show on TLC about a pound woman eating herself to death. It is freezing hot in here.

All girls are required to love fall. When we applied to be girls… went to the girl counter.

They hold your girl card up. Go have fun, be insecure. We fucking get into fall. We know. Oh, we sense it. We get into it. The second it turns fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere in, like, Connecticut, we feel it. Sit at home, watching TV. Outside the temperature drops from, like, 86 to stpped We pop out of the ground like gophers.

Lets make plans for tonight the city pussy stopped sense that fall is here. Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves… — pumpkin everything! Eat the pumpkins! We go on Pintereststart pinning fall ideas. Every year the leaves change color, and we lose our shit.

Oh, my God! Have you no respect for nature? That was a living thing, you monster! What are you gonna do with your dead leaves? We love Pinterest. All girls love Pinterest. Porn for white women.

We love it. We love planning things on Pinterest. Lot of girls plan weddings on Pinterest.

What was your theme? Guys, any of you that are engaged, your fiancee has already planned your entire wedding on Pinterest.

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We do it under the cloak of night. We wait. We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go in. We log on to Pinterest. Gentlemen, Pinterest for girls is like Call of Duty for guys.

First person pinning pictures of Channing Tatum. Ha ha! You get into these creative downward spirals, pinning and pinning. Am I looking at porn?